Who Am I?

Often we take for granted who we really are, trying our entire lives to fit in when we were born to stand out.

All my life I've been trying to be someone I'm not. I can see it in the walk, the way I talk, the way I laugh, my posture, my antics, etc. Everything I am is a reflection of every person I wish I could be. Being to harsh on myself, wondering why I don't look like this person and why I'm not shaped like that person. Succumbing to peer pressure by doing things I wouldn't dream of doing. Blaming everyone who has ever done me wrong and not realising I've been doing "wrong" to myself as well.

I'm not appreciating who I am, not loving who I am, realising that I am beautiful JUST the way I am and that I live my life, NOT the people who try to change me.

No one's opinion about myself is greater than mine. Yes. Sometimes I have trouble remembering that but that's all in the learning process.

Music has played a very important part of my life and these three songs, "Who You are - Jessie J", "Price Tag - Jessie J ft B.O.B" & "Fucking Perfect - P!nk" have influenced me greatly... as well as many others.

"Who You Are"

I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
"Why am I doing this to myself?"
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
(who you are [x11])

Everybody hurt some days and its okay to be afraid. I cant think of harming myself or being self destructive everytime the going gets too tough or as though i felt as if i've had enough. The race is long, its hard... no one said it'll be easy but in the end it worth it.

"Fucking Perfect"

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss, no way it's all good, it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look, I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing you are perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself, you are wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead

So complicated, look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, see you do the same

This song basically is the soundtrack of my life. I allowed them to get the better of me, make me feel worthless but no more. No matter how hard they try to tear me down... I'll make it because I've got it in me to succeed.

Its time to re-invent myself and show the world who I am and what I'm made of. Every second is a passing chance to start over, to try, to do something with my life. Its also a chance a make an impact in this world. Can you feel it? I know I can.

"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable. - Christopher Reeve"


Signing out,

Xilomen <3
Muah!

In The Land Of Opportunities

I'm currently doing my Advanced Nail Technology Course, yay! Its going great so far... Getting to class is such a struggle. I've got to walk with a suitcase down the hill and all of Ximena's stuff because he wont come for her, that's not even the funniest part... he lives 5 minutes away. Soon this will all be worth it, when i'm successful in achieving my life goals. I got a call from SJPP today, -err- yesterday, I got into the Basic Massage Therapy Course which starts in April. I'm looking forward to that, #AnotherLifeGoal to be completed. I applied to do a full-time course as well, 'Esthetics', but that doesn't start till August/September; so I decided I would do a part-time course that I was also interested in which will finish in June. I honestly dont have time to waste anymore... every day that goes by, life goes on... i dont want to be left behind.

Ximena has been doing well, she has been saying a few words and phrases like, "give me", she knows the sign language for "where does it hurt?" in reference to an 'owwie'. She outgrew another shoe size, pamper size as well as clothing size. She's grows so fast! I'm teaching her how to feed herself with a spoon and fork; that has been easier than I thought it would be.

Activity for the month: I'm counting down the days till UWI Carnival (KadUWIval), I've got my costume, my boots and all I'm ready for is March 24th! The next day I have to carry Ximena to The World Kids Fair, there she'll have her fair share of fun. :)

Well that's all for now... I'm so exhausted. 

Inspirational Quote: When you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.

What's On My Mind

I've been awfully busy trying to piece back together my life... a lot has happened since I last posted here. I intend to return but the words aren't flowing like they used to. I guess that's what happens when life decides to make your life more eventful than it needs to be. To be continued....

Purple Hearts On A Cloud

My boyfriend recently returned from overseas and to be honest.. I couldn't be happier because I really missed him. His mum also returned from NYC a while ago, also bringing with her some ADORABLE outfits for Ximena. Thank You! <3 :).

 Ximena absolutely loves them and I'm pretty sure she can't wait to wear them all. The little dolly adores dressing up and I like dressing her as well. She can't help but to run her fingers through her hair as soon as I've finished styling it. Its as though she's feeling it and making a mental note of the style in her tiny mind and to confirm my theory... she smiles, turns around, gives me a big hug and slides off the bed so that she could show off her new hair style to her Grandmother and Aunty. Its those moments that make me feel warm inside... I can't imagine life without her. On this particular day, she was watching her daily half hour (only!) of Dora the Explorer. I try to limit her use of the television, I don't want to encourage her in being a couch potato so I incorporated a routine which involves a healthy amount of stimulation. I take her for a walk as well as take her for a push in her stroller on the boardwalk. Ximena doesn't find this to mundane as she is fascinated with nature. She could sit  for an hour just watching the trees and flowers, feeling the wind against her face and not to mention, watching the ocean. She gets so excited when she sees them, sometimes she can't contain her excitement. Her eyes light up, she claps while stamping and squeals! :) Its so wonderful to watch. Anyways, so on this day, we went for a drive which Xixi thoroughly enjoyed.

 She pointed to people and cars on the other side of the window, occasionally waved back at those who tried to engage her in baby talk and as all mobile babies get... she got restless from being stuck in traffic so she began to cry. I tried to explain to her that its against the law to take a baby out of its carseat as it is a precautionary device but she just rolled her eyes and blew a raspberry at me. -_____- Knowing that she wouldn't understand and using my maternal instinct; I retrieved the container of finger food that I usually pack for Ximena as a way to prevent her from getting hungry before her second meal of the day. Often Ximena makes herself hungry by running around constantly thus working up an appetite, in the event of that happening, 1 give her 10 pieces and some juice. However, she fell asleep while we were on our way to Lantern's Mall. I took out the stroller as Ximena no longer weighs as much as a feather, (and that's the nice way to put it :P). She wasn't too thrilled to be in it but she didn't make a fuss either. As we pushed her around the mall, she marveled at the strange faces staring back at her but I believe what excited her the most was the ride we took on the transparent elevator. Its not the first time she's been on it but it still grabs her attention.

We immediately strolled (no pun intended!) to KrackerJack Kidz, where we were flooded with hundreds of gift ideas to purchase for Ximena's First Christmas. On the topic of Xi's First Christmas, her godmother bought a bib that is delightfully GORGEOUS! Thank you! <3 :) I'm positive that Ximena will be ecstatic when she receives it, Kiira. We're sending lots of love your way, XOXOXOXO!!!!!

 Afterwards, we got something to eat before returning to the elevator to make our way downstairs. In the corner, I spotted a new 'joy-ride' that I thought Ximena would be interested in. At first, she kept clinging on to me and refused to let go, so I had to distract her with the steering wheel. When she focused her attention on 'driving' the plane, I reached over and placed a dollar into the slot. You should have seen her face when the plane began to move, priceless! I switched with my sister to record her first time riding it but its only when I got home that I realised that my phone was on idle all of that time so I had zip, nada, zero... NOTHING. :( Luckily, we returned two days later on Roshana's last day of school (as you can see she's wearing a school uniform in the video), where I was able to record it for keepsake. However, before we  took Ximena 'joy-riding' again, we went for walk on the boardwalk where I watched a man catch 'Sprats' and if that wasn't bad enough, my mom stood there long enough for me to watch them all flop to death. -___- I am now mentally scarred because of it, those poor little fishies. Sigh!

Fast forwarding a bit, Ximena is saying a few words and phrases, besides her normal rant of "baba", "nana, "gam-gam", "dada" and "mama"; she has added, "Where dada?", "Xixi" and "Yes", along with others to her repertoire. She makes me so proud! I mean, she's not perfect but she's not the worst... she does have her moments like any normal child. My biggest challenge is weaning her and stopping her from throwing tantrums. The more I try to wean her, the more she breastfeeds. Sometimes I believe it pointless because she doesn't drink formula and I've tried practically everything. I have yet to try soy milk or Similac Go & Grow Toddler Formula but I don't have much hope for that knowing Xi. Next on the milestone list, Xi is growing 4 more teeth! One is about to burst but the other three are getting there.... ahhh, I'm so psyched! She's biting everything... well, I mean her fingers, teether, bottles, etc. She's also climbing, which has made me very paranoid because she has a preference whereas her climbing is concerned.... Tables. Yeah, I said it, Tables! Of all the things... tables. Sigh! Anyways, time to wrap this up as I am very exhausted.

(Watching Dora)

(Refusing to let go)

(Putting dollar into slot)

(She realised what I did, darn!)

(Getting accustomed)

(Bleh! It's blurry)

(Concentrating) 

(The beautiful bib her Godmother bought)

(Ximena having the time of her life)

Inspirational Quote: "Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others." - Virginia Woolf 

Signing Out,

<3

Baby And Killing It

A while ago, I carried Ximena by her dad to spend time with him and his family. I dressed her up in a Disney princess dress that her father bought her, pink slippers and used an old head band from an outfit she outgrew in order to create her 'afro'. It was really a task to take these photos, Ximena refused to keep quiet. She spent most of the time running into the gallery to play with books and pulling at my mother's portable whiteboard.
Here are the photos:

When she got home, she headed straight for grandma's portable board and began pretending to be a teacher, ha ha.

I really marvel at how much she has grown, in 16 days my baby will be 11 months *sniff* :').
This post was really for her god-mother, Kiira. Ximena is waving good-bye and saying hello now, by the way. YAYYY!!!! :)

Inspirational quote: "If your children look up to you, you've made a success of life's biggest job." - Unknown


Signing Out,
Muah! <3

Dancing Along The Dotted Line

Yet again I have been too caught up with my daily life to update my blog, but there's no need to fear for I shall update you.

My daughter, Ximena, turned 10 months approximately sixteen days ago and covered a lot of milestones in her 9th month. Just a fews days after she turned 9 months, Xixi began to walk. Yes I said it, WALK! I'm so proud of her... Little did I know the little bundle of energy was going to keep me on my feet all of the time. Nevertheless, I am grateful that she was given the gift of mobility, there are many adults, children and animals who are immobile for whatever reason and would give anything to be able to take two baby steps.

Sometime ago after my Film class was finished, I stopped by "over-priced" Jordan's Supermarket to purchase a sippy cup and some finger food for Ximena. I swear, it broke my heart to buy those few items because I knew I could get them at a more reasonable price but it was late and I had to get home as soon as possible.

When I arrived home, I washed and sterilized her sippy cup before pouring Gerber - White Grape Juice into it, then I showed her how to use it several times before she got the 'hang' of it. She was so 'fussy'! She could hardly contain her excitement; running up and down the house like a horse that was in the middle of a race at the Garrison Savannah.



She took her 'new' cup and showed it off to everyone who stopped to pay her attention. Which reminds me, I also had purchased Gerber Graduates Puffs - Strawberry Apple (for crawlers), I found that these were too small to be used as a finger food.

This can easily be stuck in the child's throat if swallowed too fast despite the fact they dissolve in the child's mouth. My mom told me to break them up into small pieces (not like powder or grounded chalk) when feeding her thus to make them dissolve faster, I found that I was comfortable with this method. I fed her them and she absolutely loves them! I give her ten pieces every day at 12:30 along with some juice/water.

Oh, oh, oh! Guess what I found? Ximena's infant tag 'bracelet' the nurse put on after I had given birth to her. Its so tiny... :) It really makes me think back to how petite Ximena was.... and to encourage my nostalgia, I reminisced by watching Newborn home videos I made with my blackberry along with browsing through her Newborn photographs I also took with my phone. Sometimes I can't believe I helped create such a beautiful person inside and out, even though Ximena is still a baby has such a vibrant and pleasant personality. She's always laughing, ready to explore and just an overall joy to be around. She's even happier when her stomach is full, her pamper is clean and she has had a bath. :P

 On the topic of growing, Ximena, has out grown yet another pair of shoes. So therefore, when I get paid and I have purchased any pending items on my shopping list.. I shall purchase two or three new shoes for her. She has also outgrown many of her 6-9 month clothing and is currently wearing 9-12 month clothing. My mom bought her a House of Dereon Jeans, which is a tad big, it has no age range on it but I assume its for toddlers 12- 15 months. Despite pants can literally be taken off without being unbutton (that is how big it is), my mom insists that she wears it. She has already worn it three times, I swear my mom is spoiling her rotten.

I've added a couple photos of Ximena wearing the pants along with a spaghetti strap shirt and a pair of slippers for her godmother, Kiira, because if I don't she'll probably murder me in my sleep -ha ha-. I plait her hair in singles, not too tiny and not too big, pretty much average so I could be more versatile whereas styling her hair on a daily basis was concerned. I tried to give Ximena a different hair style that would last longer than the ones I normally give her and it worked! It lasted a WHOLE week -______-, ha ha. Not only did she sleep it out, that little pile of hard-work wrapped up in cuteness undid some of her hair herself by constantly taking her fingers and pulling at her hair. When she was finished, she had a a set of fuzzy, half done curls on her delicate head and a smile on her face. In these photos, my mom was going to visit my grandmother and she wanted to take Ximena along. I opted to stay home and rest, unfortunately I had chores to do and spent the entire day cleaning, washing, cooking and studying.

I'd like to say I'm very proud of my daughter and she makes me very happy. I wouldn't change her for the world and I have no regrets. If i were given the option to do my life over... I wouldnt change my decision to be a mother.

 Being a mother is one of the most important and prestigious roles I have ever played in my life. When I look back at my life a few decades from now, I want to be proud of who I've become and the person I have raised along the way.

(back of Ximena's outfit)

(Ximena's sippy cup)

(Gerber Graduates Fruit Puffs)

Inspirational quote: "If we do not plant knowledge when young it will give us no shade when we are old - Lord Chesterfield"


Signing out,
<3

Exer-Pain

Today, I woke up pretty late after spending the entire night doing research for my Film class project. We're shooting an infomercial, week after next and I have yet to find a location. Ximena proceeded to jump on my back several times and pound her toy car onto my poor head in order to wake me up so that I could make her cereal.

Sigh! I gave her Strawberry and Banana puree (her dad brought it for her) and poured 4 ounces of apple juice (Gerber) for her to drink. She normally sips it until all is gone which can take a whole day because she alternates between the 4 ounces of water I also pour out for her to drink, but today she almost chugged the whole thing down! I mean, I cant blame her....outside is soooo HOT! Just thinking about going outside would make anyone sweat, ha ha.

When she fell asleep I took the time to surf the net and do research for this article I'm writing for an online magazine.I got the first part written and the little monster woke up, aww man! I still love her though ;). I made myself a nice, large cup of Red Rose Tea, fixed myself a plate of lunch that my mom cooked and watched Dora the Explorer with my daughter. Afterwards, we 'paraded' up and down the bedroom, marching up and down practicing our walk and screaming at the top of our lungs before falling down on the bed in a fit of giggles. Good times :) Then "nana" (my mum) came for her and she ditched me to go spend time with grandma, bleh! -mutters- Traitor. Just kidding :p

I prepared for the gym during this time, searched high and low for my pair of sneakers and socks. I wore a simple exercise shorts and an oversized t-shirt, pulled my hair into a ponytail then placed in into an untidy bun. Presto! That was the end of that. I realised that my mom hadn't brought Ximena back yet so I took the opportunity to sterilize her bottles and storage containers as well as boil barley water. I strained the barley water and pour it into her hot water flask, then I washed out both the pot and the pan so that I could chop vegetables to boil for Ximena. Which reminds me, I have yet to mash them.... Be right back.

I'm back, I placed the mashed food into storage containers and placed them in the freezer so they would not spoil. Where was I? Oh right, I thought I had gym for 2:30 turns out I was half an hour early but it was okay. Why you may ask? Because the gym is next door, ha ha! No, seriously.... Its next door.
So I spent as much time with my daughter before I left, I let her walk around the bedroom without holding on to anything and she felt so 'fussy'. She even clapped for herself! I'm so proud of her.

At 3:00 we walked next door to be greeted by the gym instructor. We got started on the exercise bike, then did squats with a blue ball he had given us. Between each exercise, we had to mount the bike. Our sessions are half an hour long, as our instructor says its not about how much time you dedicate to doing it, its how much work you do in the time frame that you have. You can exercise for three hours and get the same results as if you had been exercising for half an hour. Discipline is the key factor in exercising; without discipline you can end up making little to no progress. I try to as healthy as I used to growing up but with so much going on in my life right now, I find that such a hard task to accomplish. In that time frame we had, we used dumb bells, did bench presses with our legs, lifted weights, etc. I tried to give it my all, I really did. No slowing down, no stopping....  I kept pushing myself because this is what I want. I want to be healthy, to be a great example for my daughter (she may not understand now but she will later), to be an inspiration to my mother and overall just gain a little weight. I'm tired of being the same old skinny Ronelle I have been for the past 19 years, its time for a change. On the topic of change, I have to get my hair re-dyed auburn tomorrow, I have an important meeting/job interview on friday. Wish me luck!

After class, I showered, dressed and waited for the rain to stop falling so that I could leave home. My feet were aching and I can't remember the last time I've ever felt so worn out. As much as I would have loved to be able to go to sleep in my bed, I knew I had to go into town to buy finger food and puree food for Ximena as well as purchase something for myself.  During this time, I feed my daughter Wheat & Honey Cereal made with the Barley water (she loves it). Sadly, as soon as she was finished, the rain stopped and it was time for mummy to leave. When Ximena realised this, she cried... I felt so guilty. I gave her a big hug and a kiss then told her not to worry, that I would be back as quickly as I was about to leave.

 It was minutes to six o'clock pm when I had left home and outside grew dark. We went to the bus stop to catch a bus, after waiting only a few minutes a bus came and we boarded it with my laptop bag and my suitcase with my mani/pedi tools. I sat next to some drunkard in the bus who kept questioning me as to where I was going and where I had come from. I politely discarded all his queries and hoped to God he did not put his hands on me. When he didn't I sighed a sigh of relief but I was sadly mistaken if I thought it was over. He vomited in the bus.... not once but twice. Thank God none got on me but others weren't so lucky, neither was my suitcase ( just a little got on the wheel). We stopped to help a lady change her clothes and wipe off any vomit on her with wet wipes. Soon after, we were on our way.

As we walked, we came upon a public affair. I wasn't sure what it was, I still do not know actually. All I can tell you was that it was in front of the parliament buildings. We squeezed our way through the thick crowds, putting our manners to use throughout the entire 'maze'. It seemed as though the entire of Barbados came out for this event, the young and the old were there despite the rain. I stopped at a vendor and bought Ximena a Go Diego Go! plush doll. I do hope she likes it.

I met a friend in town who practically saved my life and I am eternally grateful. He offered me a ride to my destination and even gave me a ride to the supermarket. Thank you! I haven't decided which flavour puree I'm going to give her tomorrow. I guess i'll let her decide, ;) I bought her some Gerber Graduates (Crawler) Arrow Root Biscuits, I hope she finds those easy to chew.

I also got a mini manicure and pedicure, and my nails painted in a simple nude colour. I like it :).  Oh! My grandmother called me today and asked me what primary school I was sending Ximena to, well gran-gran... its a bit too early to be thinking about that but I can see your point. Well anyways, its 5:30 and ximena probably going to wake up soon so I shall be off to bed to salvage whatever sleep I can get. Until later... Ciao!

(The arrow root finger food)

(I decided to go with the one on top)

Inspirational Quote: You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back ~ William D. Tammeus

Signing Out
<3